Looking Good Together: The Silent Language of Appearance in Marriage

By Ronke Kehinde/

When a husband and wife step out together; whether to an event, a visit, church, mosque, or a simple date, there is an unspoken expectation: both should feel proud of how the other looks. This pride is mutual. Like it or not, appearance speaks loudly before a word is spoken.

Over the years, I have heard some women complain that their husbands no longer take them out. While many factors may be responsible, one uncomfortable truth is often overlooked: many people simply do not know how to dress well, or more importantly, how to dress for their body shape.

A woman must understand her body and dress to flatter it.
This conversation is not for women alone. Men, too, have a responsibility to present themselves well. A husband who dresses carelessly, ignores grooming, or shows up in public looking unkempt cannot expect his wife to feel proud standing beside him. Just like women, men must understand their body type, choose well-fitted clothes, pay attention to grooming, and dress appropriately for every occasion. Marriage is a partnership, and appearance is one of the silent ways spouses honour each other in public.

This reflection takes me back to my childhood friend, Esther. Esther is petite and has always dressed to suit her frame. I admired her sense of style, but I never truly understood the effort behind it until one day, many years ago.

After a church service celebrating a mutual friend’s birthday, we needed to change from the white outfits we wore to the aso-ebi of the day. We dressed in the same room, and I was genuinely bewildered by what I saw. Esther carefully “packaged” her hips before wearing her clothes. At that time, padded hips were not readily available in the market, certainly not like they are today, so she improvised. She layered clothes and knickers to create balance and structure.

I had known this girl almost all my life, yet I never realized how petite she truly was. What struck me was not deception, but intention. Her clothes fit properly. She didn’t go overboard. She simply understood her body and worked with it. She even explained that she needed to package her hips because of the style she had chosen.

Looking back, I deeply respect her for that level of self-awareness.

Recently, a lady in my church began to remind me of Esther. She has a similar stature, but unlike Esther, she appears unaware, or unconcerned, about dressing to suit her shape.

As a journalist, fashion writer, and fashion designer, I have written extensively about dressing for different body types: plus-size, slim, and petite. So each time I see this woman, I feel an urge to speak to her. At the same time, I understand how sensitive conversations about appearance can be.

We exchanged pleasantries every Sunday, “Good morning,” “Happy Sunday,” “Have a great week.” One Sunday, we sat beside each other and chatted. She criticized the act of putting wigs on little girls after seeing one pass by. That moment made me even more cautious; this was clearly someone with strong opinions.

A few Sundays later, I finally gathered the courage to speak to her, gently advising her on styles that would better suit her body shape.

Let’s be honest: if you don’t have much of a backside, fitted clothes will only emphasize what isn’t there. Structure, volume, and balance are your allies. On the other hand, if you have a heavy backside, you need styles that tone it down, not ones that flaunt it aggressively in people’s faces. Balance is key.

I promised to send her style ideas and designs and collected her number. Life got busy, and I didn’t send them immediately. The following Sunday, she approached me to ask why I hadn’t sent the styles. I eventually did, some of my designs, some YouTube references, and I added a voice note suggesting padded hips, which are now easily available from underwear sellers in the market.
Since then, she has not attended church for two Sundays. I called her; the phone rang, but she didn’t pick up. She later sent a message saying she was busy.

That experience made me reflect deeply.
As a fashion designer, I recall a client last year who wanted a padded-hip skirt. I didn’t want to sound old-school, so I carried out research and learned how to pad skirts properly. Even after mastering it, I still advised her: “Why not buy a padded hip from the market? You can use it for many outfits.” Padded garments are more expensive and time-consuming to produce, while padded hips offer flexibility and practicality.

I strongly believe that church or mosque is not a place for shabby dressing. If you are not in a uniform like the ushers or choir, wear your best. Why dress carelessly to church but dress expensively to the office or parties? Excellence should be consistent. Appearance does not define character, but it influences perception, and perception matters in relationships.

A woman who does not present herself well may unknowingly push her husband to seek another woman to “represent” him whenever he needs a partner in public. It is a hard truth, but one worth confronting.

Dressing well, dressing to fit, is not about competition, insecurity, or vanity. It is about self-awareness, self-respect, and respect for your partner.
Know your body. Dress it wisely. Represent yourself, and your home, well.