I’m Not Okay

Tunde Onakoya/

Someone asked if I was okay at an event a couple of days ago, and I said “No”, perhaps for the first time in my adult life. It felt liberating. She asked why, but I couldn’t properly articulate all the emotions I felt on that night but it was a genuine response.

I’ve had some time to think about it and the truth is we lost a child recently and I’ve been a little hard on myself because a couple of days ago, I promised him he was going to be okay.
It was a promise I couldn’t keep despite our best efforts.

Just yesterday, before we commenced training for the street kids we’re currently working with, I sat briefly with some of them in the rain and asked a 14-year-old boy named Segun how he ended up on the street. I watched his eyes swell with tears as he began to narrate a truly heartbreaking story of how a dysfunctional home and the poverty of his parents made him a victim of a life he did not choose, but society doesn’t give people like him many options. So he takes the one that helps him at the very least, survive the day.

The boy cried. I cried as well. It was too much.

Segun’s story is a familiar one, and the reality of many more millions of children in Nigeria. I admit that I sometimes still feel powerless in the face of some of the complex problems we are trying to solve but one thing I know is I’ll never stop trying.

I’ve always wondered why I felt everything so deeply. It hasn’t always been the best thing for me as i try to be objective in making leadership decisions but I sometimes find that my ambition and willingness to help every child disproportionately exceeds my current capacity to do so, which oftentimes leaves me completely drained and overwhelmed.

As a child who also grew up in poverty, I always questioned why certain inequalities exist in our society. These questions led me to start the Chess in Slums project 5 years ago with a mission to bring light to these inequalities with heart, grace, and Empathy. Because every time we widen human empathy, we open the universe a little more and give more people a sense of belonging.

This is why I allow myself to feel everything, even when it sometimes leaves a lot of deep emotional scarring behind. But how can I write these deeply compelling stories that bring the world into the lives of these children if I don’t feel everything myself?

It’s a necessary burden I have to carry, and it is one I have come to accept as both my blessing and my curse as an empath- my greatest strength and greatest weakness.

I am reminded of the story of the little boy walking along a beach after a terrible storm that washed up thousands of starfish. The child picks them up one by one and throws them back into the ocean when someone from a distance admonishes the child that he cannot save them all and cannot make a difference as it was a waste of time and energy to throwback thousands of them into the ocean.

The child, unfazed, picks up another and replies “I made a difference to that one”
He continued…

It’s easy to feel powerless and overwhelmed especially if people and circumstances around us insist there’s no point in solving hard problems because we can’t change them.

I believe small differences compound over time and can inspire those around us to believe in their capacity to make a difference too. This is how we collectively change the world.

So yes I’m not okay, but I will be eventually.
My resolve is only further strengthened. On this journey of helping every child find their place in the world again, I hope I can inspire as many people as possible to join me in bearing the weight of this burden.

I’m deeply hurt we lost Mathew, but I now realize that it’s not just my pain and burden to bear anymore, it’s one I share with all you amazing people who follow and support this project. So this is closure for me.

Thank you for the kind words and support through the years.

May God grant us all the serenity to accept the things that we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Ahead, the man in the arena.

*Onakoya is the founder, Chess in Slums Africa. Follow @Tunde_OD

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