Together Forever: Dear Husbands, Be Patient with Us

• A Woman’s Journey Through Perimenopause

By Ronke Kehinde/

Tinuke was only 43 when life took an unexpected turn.

A vibrant woman, full of energy and ambition, she had climbed her way to the top of the banking industry. Every day, she wore confidence like perfume – crisp suits, high heels, and the calm assurance of a woman who knew her worth.

Then, one morning, everything changed. It began with a pounding headache. She thought it was just fatigue from late nights and endless meetings. But when waves of heat began rushing through her body, drenching her in sweat even in an air-conditioned office, she knew something was wrong.

Her boss watched her struggle through the day until he finally picked up the phone and called her husband.
“Please come quickly,” he said.

At the hospital, Tinuke went through countless tests – malaria, typhoid, cancer, even HIV. Each result came back negative. Yet her body kept failing her. Then came the most shocking part; her hair started to fall off, handfuls at a time.

The once-powerful banker who handled millions now stood helpless before her mirror, brushing away tears and strands of hair.

Finally, her doctors gave it a name: Perimenopause.

Her body, they explained, was transitioning, hormones fluctuating, preparing for menopause. But how could she be “menopausal” at just forty-three?

After I published my last column, “When Intimacy Meets Menopause,” I received calls from women who wanted to talk, to unburden, to connect, to be heard.

One call stood out – Bukky’s. Her voice trembled as she shared her story, and her friend – Tinuke’s.

“I suffered from terrible migraines and hot flashes,” she said. “At night, I’d wake up drenched in sweat. Thankfully, I figured out what was happening early, and I had to educate my husband. Once he understood, things got better. He started walking this road with me.”

Her words carried both pain and relief, the pain of being misunderstood and the relief of finally being seen.

Bukky ended our conversation with a plea that has stayed with me ever since:

“We’re not rejecting our husbands; our bodies are simply changing. We need love, not distance. Please tell men to be patient with us.”

Many women have shared similar experiences — stories of being accused of rejection or hearing hurtful words like, “Do you want me to go outside?” from frustrated husbands.

Such words wound deeply. They strip away dignity and worsen emotional pain.

This is not rebellion. It is not rejection. It is biology.

A woman’s body is learning a new rhythm, one she didn’t choose, and she needs her partner’s tenderness more than ever.

When I turned forty-eight, I noticed something unusual. My monthly flow became heavy and irregular. I was constantly tired, moody, and confused. I didn’t realize I was perimenopausal. I thought menopause started only in the fifties.

Now I know better. It can begin as early as the mid-thirties or as late as the mid-fifties. From talking with friends, I discovered that women who start menstruation early often reach menopause early, while those who start late, reach it later.

Our bodies tell different stories, but the emotions we feel are often the same.

Menopause is not a disease; it’s a transition that can be managed with care, patience, and healthy habits. Here are some natural ways that helped me — and many women I’ve spoken to:

• Eat wisely: Fruits and vegetables like spinach (Efo Tete or Amunututu in Yoruba, Akwukwo nri in Igbo, and Ganye alayyafo in Hausa), berries, and carrots help calm the body and ease hot flashes.
• Stay hydrated: Water is your best friend — it helps ease dryness and fatigue.
• Cut down on alcohol, caffeine, and spicy foods: They worsen hot flashes and disrupt sleep.
• Exercise regularly: A brisk walk or yoga can lift your mood and strengthen your bones. I skip every morning — try it, you’ll get addicted.
• Sleep well: Keep your bedroom cool and your mind calm.
• Manage stress: Deep breathing, meditation, or prayer can steady your spirit. For me, prayer is my regular tonic.
• Talk and connect: Share your feelings with friends or join a women’s support group. You’ll be amazed at how healing conversation can be.

On behalf of Bukky and myself, and wives everywhere, we are appealing to our husbands:

Please, hold your wives close. Love her through the mood swings, the silence, and the moments of withdrawal. She’s not shutting you out; she’s adjusting to a new phase she herself is still trying to understand.

Your patience and tenderness can make this journey bearable.

When you choose compassion over criticism, you don’t just ease her pain — you strengthen your marriage.

And to every woman walking through this phase, remember: you are not alone.
Your beauty hasn’t faded; it’s maturing into a deeper kind of strength.

Next Week: Forgiveness in Marriage — What Can You Truly Let Go?

Join me next Saturday as we continue this journey of Together Forever.

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