Heartbreak Express: My Husband Was Horrible During My Labor

…I Still Haven’t Recovered From It. I Don’t Know If I Can Continue This Marriage

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First of all, thank you anybody who reads this. I made this account but didn’t have the strength to post in the first time. I have a hard time getting anything done these days, I have severe postpartum depression. I am really sorry, English is not my first language so I apologize for the mistakes.

To the point: My husband who I thought I loved very much was a horrible, cruel, childish version of himself when I was in labor. I had a mean male nurse who was clearly the leading one of nurses I was almost afraid of and I specifically asked him to please not leave me, because I was afraid that if he is not there to support me the nurse will refuse to call the doctor and give me anaesthesia enough early. It’s exactly what happened and I had to give birth without anaesthesia. He told me he is tired and he had to go take a nap and eat something. Fine, but I couldn’t eat or sleep either. I was in pain giving birth to our child. Why do you leave me? Why wouldn’t you support me when you _knew_ I didn’t feel comfortable alone, speaking the language I don’t know perfectly, when everyone I love is on another country except you? Whole time when I was dilating he was complaining, snapping at me, asking pain meds from the nurses for himself…

What really hurt me was after the birth. I had a very difficult labor, very long and hard one. When I was laying there my pussy cut open up to my anus and being ripped apart from the vacuum he asked the doctor if when stitching me up they could make one “plus stitch” and made a gesture for vaginal tightness. I was there, apparently not humiliated, tortured and tired enough, he had to let everyone know how my pussy is now ruined and it must be tighter. Maybe that I have never been tight enough for him. I’m there, destroyed, and he thinks of his dick. The female doctor looked at me, saw that I was crying again (I was crying on-off), looked at him and firmly said that she is going to act like she didn’t hear that inappropriate comment.

This happened in summer and I still don’t feel alright. My mother keeps telling me it’s my postpartum brain that is blowing everything out of proportion. I’m too ashamed to tell my friends who think everything is going great here. I feel like something broke inside of me that day. I don’t know if I love him or want to continue with him. We have fought over and over, he has apologized a million times. Asks me, am I not allowed to have one bad day? I was tired too.

He has talked about another child. I can’t give birth again with someone who left me feeling completely unsafe. He didn’t take care of me the one time I really needed someone to take care of me and when I was vulnerable.

I don’t have any friends here and I’m alone every day all day. I don’t want to divorce and do that to my son, at the same time I don’t want to continue this. I’m so miserable I’ve had horrible thoughts. I left everything to be with him in another country and now it’s ruined.

I feel like I’m trapped.